Ummmm.....

So, I’ve decided that facing long gaps of time between posting blogs here is a lot like putting off that dreaded six-month teeth cleaning appointment at the dentist when it’s really been more like nine months. Or twelve or eighteen… not that I have any experience doing something like that.



And not that I dread posting blogs. I don’t. I rather like it. But when my LIFE gets in the way and I push ut further and further back, guilt grows like bacteria on the bottom of a pack of strawberries, and before long I’m tempted to chuck the whole thing rather than trying to salvage my investment.


I’ve decided my problem is I put way too much pressure on myself to write some brilliant masterpiece each time, requiring gobs of time and thought. Neither of which I have do I much to spare (so that would make me busy and thoughtless, right???).


So my solution is to copy my BFF’s often-used blogging mode of stream of consciousness. Which essentially means write whatever comes to mind and pretend it’s brilliant. I’ve got some big topics to blog about but don’t have the willpower to sit down and stamp them all out with my stubby little fingers on the keyboard. So I’m going to chitchat with you about the random stuff in my life as it comes to mind.


Since I last blogged, lots of big stuff’s been going on in our lives. Just wrapped up my huge calendar project for the company I work for, designing 13 different calendars from scratch. I started the work back in June and finished up way ahead of schedule as compared to other years. Which is great except sometimes I wake up wondering what important step I left out or screw-up I might have made that cancels all that out. I remain hopeful that a miracle occurred and I really did get ‘er done.


This past weekend we had a big block party bash for our neighbors, alongside members of our amazing church. We had about 100 people out and I’m pretty sure God was partying along with us. I think Hilton and I have been blessed with the gift of hospitality but lately I’d been letting that twist into a form of anxiety over expectations of being the perfect hostess and doing it all. God took over for this event and I’ve never felt such a peace about serving others in this way. It was like I’d taken a Xanax. Except I hadn’t. Yay God!


Now I pretty much don’t know what to do with myself. Wait, I do. I just don’t feel like doing it. That would be detail-cleaning my kitchen (scrubbing down cabinets, appliances, floors, chairs, etc). Have you every detailed your kitchen? Me neither. But I’m pretty sure it sucks. I’ve been meaning to do it for a YEAR. Whoops. My mom says she’s never even done this to her kitchen. And they’ve been there for like eight years. I’m compelled to use that as evidence I can keep putting this off. But y’all I swear my kitchen is nasty. We’re having another big party in a few weeks (wait, it’s next weekend… good grief) and I’m trying to use that as motivation. But my new relaxation revelation about hosting events is kind of cancelling that out.


I know I’m biased. But I think my kids might be the most creatively hilarious creatures I’ve ever met. I really can’t effectively convey how funny they truly are through the written word because anymore, it’s not just what they say; it’s HOW they say it. Even though there’s only two of them, I think I could pitch a TV show to TLC execs and they’d buy it. This morning, Jake was putting on his shoes and I thought he kept saying, “Look Mommy, it’s a statue, look Mommy, it’s a statue.” (Jake just goes on repeat repeat repeat until you finally give up and answer… it’s GREAT). Finally I caved and walked over, looking for the freaking statue. He kept holding up his shoe, and because it was only 7:10am and I was still staggering around, I leaned over and spent a good 30 seconds looking for a statue on his shoe, pretty certain one of us was Not Right. Finally I realized he was holding the Velcro strap backwards and down past the shoe, declaring it a “Sad SHOE.” That would be funny enough, but then Ben came marching in proclaiming he was the Statue of Liberty, freezing in a perfect pose (I don’t think he knows Liberty is a girl). Then there were questions about who gave us the Statue of Liberty. Still staggering around, I mistakenly thought he was asking who gave us the Statue of Liberty magnet on our fridge. No, he wanted to know which country gave the United States the actual statute. And me, college grad (ONE B in all my years of school) could not tell my five-year-old son which country it was. The fact escaped me and I was again reminded what a waste school was on me. But the blessing of being five (especially if you are Ben) is that you can make up your own reality and people think it’s funny. Ben informed Jake “I think it came from the country where Rock [Barack] Obama came from.”


I can’t make this up.


We also recently had the stomach bug (known in the EKY as the Vomit Virus) pay a visit to our home last week. Fall always sucks at our house because we all get slammed with sickness, but we hadn’t welcomed in a stomach bug in probably three years. I’m pretty sure angels of health were surrounding Ben and me, because we miraculously escaped unscathed. I felt like the house that the tornado somehow missed while it destroyed the rest of the neighborhood. It’s a very good thing, because Mommy Doesn’t Throw Up. No sirree. I will do Lamaze breathing and swallow it down and wail and moan and sweat but I REFUSE to vomit. I would rather be beaten with a baseball bat or run over by a car or something like that rather than be nauseated to the point of vomiting.


When you become homebound with small children, you begin to let down boundaries you previously swore as off limits in Times of Wellness. Last year it was the Wii (hello, we were trapped for like 5 weeks) that we said we’d never buy. This year it was the introduction to the Star Wars trilogy (or whatever). The boys are all about Star Wars but don’t have a CLUE what it’s all about… after watching about three of the movies so far, I can honestly say that status hasn’t changed. Hilton did censor much of it, but have you ever watched Star Wars with a five year old? I don't reccomend it without a strong dose of patience and humor. Here’s a sampling of the questions that came out during the viewing: How many light sabers are in this entire movie? Is Darth Vader a boy or a girl? Why is Yoda so small? Are those aliens or is this real life? Why do they call it Star Wars? … I have to admit, I have no idea what’s going on in Star Wars either, so I think these are pretty valid questions.


Do you love your Wal-Mart? I hate mine but the boys tell me hate is not a nice word. I boycotted it for some time over the summer when they were out of things like milk and bananas and simply turned off the light and left the customer service department unmanned (is this even legal?). I even bookmarked the Wal-Mart corporate number to file a complaint but I was too lazy to actually do it. Eventually my convictions wore off and I got tired of driving across town to the Good Wal-Mart and going broke going Krogering. So I went back and got myself a new attitude about my Crappy Wal-Mart. When they refuse to re-stock items over the course of weeks, when they simply discontinue items every single week without checking with me first, when they only have one (ONE) cashier lane open at 8:45am on a Tuesday morning, I take a deep breath and take the beating. I briefly curse the store under my breath and then repent, making it a lesson of humility and grace. Instead of flipping it the bird, I smile my happy face to the Greeter Person and say “Grace to you, Wal-Mart” I say as I wheel away my cart to the parking lot that smells like a sewer. Because eventually, I’ll have to come back.

Enough randomness for now. I’ll leave you with what I think might be one of the funniest commercials I’ve ever seen. You're welcome.