Retail therapy

Sigh. It's been kind of a blah day.

Actually, it's been kind of a blah past few weeks, but I'm fighting through it and trying to brace myself for a few difficult weeks ahead on the calendar. Like the Zicam I've been obsessivly using to wage war against any cold germs from the kids, I've been finding little ways to try to keep my spirits up.

Unfortunately, those ways are largely comprised of retail therapy.... yep, that's right. Cha-ching cha-ching.

Pretty sure it all started when I was handed a few gift cards for my birthday and I immediately went and blew them, going way past my total allotted amount and literally having to hand items back to the cashier so I could afford what I bought. Ouch.

From there it's been downhill.

Honestly, I know better. I keep telling myself... "happiness is only circumstantial"... "this isn't healthy"... or my personal favorite "stupid, stupid, stupid!" But the scientists are right, folks. There's a real chemical thing going on with shopping therapy. Dopamines and all.

This evening, I was quite honestly close to going crazy in my head. Hilton not so subtlely asked if there was anywhere I might need to go. There wasn't, but that wasn't going to stop me. So I left.

And like a magnet, I drove to the one place that I knew was more sad and down and depressed than I was.

That's right. The Sad Mall.

Can't remember if I've mentioned The Sad Mall in any past blogs, but in case not, here's a rundown: it's comprised of about 45 stores, 35 vacant and 10 in business but just barely. It's little store map when you come in is just about the most pathetic thing you've ever seen. It might as well say "just go home, nothing here to see." The food court on average has one restaurant open (tonight, the pizza parlor had a sign up that said "CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS"). Besides Sears, the biggest store is a bridal/prom gown place. There's a video arcade that the boys used to love until the Simpson's bowling game was replaced with another deer hunting shooting game. Where a nice Bath and Body Works store was, there's now a super creepy doll baby boutique, complete with a crib full of Hispanic babydolls in its front window. And now they are apparently teaching free Zumba classes in one of the stores three mornings a week.... as a Zumba lover, I'm not quite sure how I feel about that. When you walk in any of the few stores still open, not a single employee head turns your way. They've given up hope.

So I wasn't really sure what my plan was when I pulled up to the mall while on the phone with a friend who mercifully had answered her phone when I called. Okay, that's a lie. I totally knew why I was there. To buy something, of course.

One Yankee candle later, I came out and realized I felt a lot better. But this time, I think it was only partly due to the purchase.

Mainly, though, I think it was because I had been someplace that was more down than I was. Misery really does love company.

Sorry, Sad Mall.

(p.s. To those who are worried about my mental state... acknowledgement is the first step in recovery....)

I'm just now starting to see the funny in it

If you've had a great day today, are an optimistic person, or are just feeling particularly chipper right now, consider this your cue to exit stage left and find your funny elsewhere today.

Let the cone of safety descend on me as I commence the whining about my day.

It began with the sound of a much-worsened hacking cough of Ben. Perhaps he'll feel better once he eats, I thought. Preschool wasn't out of the question yet.

I put the bacon in the microwave and turned around to get the rest of breakfast ready. At least I thought I put the bacon in. One minute later, I turn around to see I was merely warming up the microwave. In goes the bacon, minus the forgotten paper towel. Three minutes later, it was ready and the microwave was disgusting, impossible to tell that ten hours prior I had just scrubbed it thoroughly.

After it became apparent that Ben was no longer eating or feeling better, I made the call to preschool to let them know I'd like to flush the day's tuition down the toilet, thanks.

And at that point my thinking took a wrong turn to the decision to go grocery shopping. Not just at one measly store. Not even at two wimpy stores. No, we were hitting Krogers, Sam's, and Wal-Mart. Why not get all your shopping done at just one store, Sarah? you might ask. Well, because that would simply be too easy, my friend.

We hit our first snag in the Kroger check-out line, where an over-eager cashier rang us up without noticing the fistful of coupons I was trying to hand her before the transaction was completed.

"Ooops," she apologized. "You can just redeem them at the customer service counter," she advised.

I got in line at the customer service counter. Except that it wasn't. It was the pharmacy line. Ooops again. I detoured to the correct place, behind three elderly women (did I mention it was Senior Citizen's Day at Kroger today?) with various issues with their purchases. Because I am completely OCD about saving money, we stuck it out and got our $3.50, thanks.

On to Sam's. Cue the doomsday music.

Sam's went totally fine. Until we were ready to check out. I happened to get in a line where an older gentleman was waiting for his wife to bring the last item. After unloading everything on the belt, I started to zero in on the payment options at Sam's. Hmmm... no comforting Visa logo.

"Ma'am?" I asked the cashier. "Do you take Visa?"

"Ummm, we take Visa debit."

Guess what. I don't got one of them. This happened to be my very first time shopping alone at Sam's. We go all the time, but I never stand at the register when checking out because we always buy so much I can't stand to see what the final ridiculous total will be. I would just rather not know. As it turns out, I missed out on the crucial Payment at Sam's 101 lesson.

Sick to my stomach, I started pulling my items off the belt and placing them back in the cart. For one crazy second, I thought What if I just took off with this cart right now? Nah, just kidding. I just cursed under my breath and removed the two very confused children from the cart, dragging them away from the sadly abandoned cart.

"Mommy, why we leaving our groceries?!?"

"I want my blueberries!! NO MOMMY! PLEASE!"

"I want my bacon! Why we leaving it?!?"

It is safe to say we were all traumatized by this incident. They weren't the only ones crying, although I was doing it while also calling and taking my vengeance out on poor Hilton, who never saw it coming. How could he NOT tell me that Sam's doesn't take a credit card?? Furthermore, how was it possible that Sam's didn't take a credit card, period? It must all be his fault, somehow.

Off to Wal-Mart.

Did you know at the Ohio Wal-Mart they have exceptionally small carts? So small, in fact, that if you have two kids that need to ride in a cart, you must push them in one cart and drag another cart of groceries behind you. It's fantastic. Especially when you find yourself trekking all other the store searching for some ridiculously random item like sunflower seeds, finally giving up and just going to check out, angry and bitter. I must add that at one point I had to push the boys' cart a few steps away from the grocery-laden cart to get a better look at something, eliciting true panic in the boys, fresh from their Sam's trauma.

"No, Mommy! Don't leave the groceries again! The groceries!!"

I wish I could say the day went better after that. Unforunately, the only thing that really went up was Ben's temperature, and we ended up at a "Now Care" (an ironic misnomer) health clinic at 4:45pm. An eternity later, we had a $95 Thomas the Train sticker (thanks, Health Savings Account plan) and no real answers.

But I say this with a smile on my face: God is still good, and so is life.

Dangerous Territory

Discussing and explaining the concept of death with your children really isn't something you think about until you're right upon it and you realize you have zero gameplan. My desire to have that conversation ranks right up there with the one about the birds and the bees and the one about why bad things happen to good people.

The discussion hadn't even been on my radar, to be honest, until we received a wonderful preschool-age devotional from the church. One evening in January as I sat down at bedtime to read it, it crossed my mind that the topic would undoubtedly come up in this devotional. As it turned out, it was my lucky day; the topic was heaven and how wonderful it was.

The boys' eyes got as large as saucers as they learned heaven had all of their favorite things-- most importantly, toys and bowling. After saying yes to a long list of questions about what might be there, Jake turned to me, exclaiming, "They have everything we need there!"

"We go there right now?" asked Ben.

Oh geez.

Then there's the bugs/bees/etc that they know are dead... the fact that "kill" is known as a bad word in our house... and the delicate area when the two paths meet. Such as when I stomped a huge black widow-ish looking spider in our driveway and Jake aked me what I did.

"I killed it," I answered triumphantly.

"Mommy, that is not a nice word," Jake admonished.

He was right of course. But so was I. I killed the dern thing.

Most recently they've started wondering exactly what the ginormous cemetery/mausoleum is that we pass when we go to the YMCA. You seriously can't miss it. I'm calling it a flower place until I figure out something better.

They've also asked about the special CD and Mickey Mouse that came from Ben Bowen, who died four years ago and for whom Ben is named.

"Where is he?" our Ben asks.

"Well, he's up in heaven now," I reply.

"With God and Jesus?" from Jake.

"Yes," I say.

"Oh, he's their boy now?" he asks.

See what I mean?


But to inject some humor into it (because you have to), there was this conversation this evening.

When I do bathtime alone (such as this evening), I pull one out of the tub first and put on his diaper in the hallway while I keep an eye on the one still in the tub. Now, I am not one to sugarcoat what happens to little boys when they're not careful. You run across the parking lot, you might get run over. You play on the stairs, you might fall and crack your head open. You're not careful in water, you might drown.

So as I pulled Jake out of the tub first, I reminded Ben to not lie down in the tub while I was away from it.

"Why you tell Ben that?" Jake asked.

"Because I don't want him to drown."

"Why?"

"Because he might die and that would be very sad. He would be gone forever," I answered truthfully, trying to make my point but regretting that I might have gone too far and scared poor Jake. Not a worry.

"Yeah, we get a new one if that happen?" he snapped back with a big smile on his hands, literally wringing his hands with excitement. To be honest, it was totally a Ben move.

I quickly sat him up and firmly had a heart-to-heart about how dying was not a funny thing and that people are very sad when it happens.

And then I walked into my bedroom, shut my door, and had a good long...

laugh.