Freeze

This afternoon I was desperate to help the boys burn off some energy (which I swear, if I put them on an electricity-generating treadmill, could power up our small town). I decided to teach them the game where you dance to music until the music stops, and then you freeze into a statue until the music starts again. They thought this was hilarious.

After an actually pleasant dinner for two three-year-old boys, I rewarded them each with a bowl of Jello (incidentally, it was brought to my attention recently that the boys have been deprived of Jello their whole lives, and they are now very much in love with it).

Anyway, we were all quietly sitting at the kitchen table eating our Jello and listening to the cable music channel, Soundscapes, that I am addicted it. It's the most soothing, meditative, it's-all-going-to-be-okay music, and I have it on all the time. Ben was just really engrossed in his Jello eating, and he happened to look over at me. The look he had in his eyes -- joy, innocence, youth-- just caught me completely off guard and I had to quickly look away so he didn't catch on to the tears in my own eyes.

There are many days in my life that I just try to get through, one foot in front of the other. Those days are long and hard. But sometimes in the middle of those days a miracle like this will occur. A bright, shining moment of wonder and contentment. This was one of the best, but I'd be lying to you if I said the moment wasn't tinged with sadness and a sense of helplessness that this is all just happening way too fast. My babies aren't just little boys anymore... they may only be in the 5-10th percentile for weight and height, but they are becoming little men. It's incredible and it's incredibly frightening all at the same time. They're growing up, and there's not a single thing I can do about it. It's just happening. At night I go in to check on them in their beds, and as I watch them sleeping there, I silently plead, Please stop. Stop growing. Please don't get any bigger. Despite the huge responsibilities and inconveniences that come with taking care of them full-time, my heart literally aches with the reality that they won't stay like this.

There are so many times I just want to hit the fast forward button, but times like this today just make me want to live like this forever. I have to remind myself to hold these moments tight and keep making more of them, because this is life. It keeps on keeping on regardless of anything, and it's up to us to grab on and make the best of it.

As I looked away from Ben, I happened to glance at the TV and catch the info on the song we were listening to. The song title was "Beyond this Moment," from an album titled "So Flows the Current." And so it does. And so it does.